-Forgetting your eye make-up on only one eye?
-Walking around with your zipper down?
-Trying to hug someone but your faces keep turning the same direction, so it looks like you're trying to steal a smooch?
-Saying, "What?" for the third time and realizing you will never know what they just said?
-Answering "That's awesome!" when you didn't hear and realizing they just told you that their grandma died?
-Asking about someone's grandkid only to find out it's their kid?
-Trying to reach something on the top shelf at the supermarket and ending up waiting for the next person to walk by so you can get a hand?
-Walking down the street with a theme song in your head ("Well, you can tell by the way I use my walk...") when all of a sudden out of nowhere jumps this giant shadow that trips you and you end up rolling your ankle?
-Standing still doing absolutely nothing and falling over?
Ok, so some of those examples might have been a little extreme for you. But for me, these are pretty much everyday occurences. Except the cooking, maybe...I'm actually ok at that.
Awkward. I have felt this way pretty much my whole life. There are situations where I feel more awkward or less awkward, but it's pretty much always there. As I said earlier, we all have our quirks and I'm learning not to focus on mine so much, but there are still plenty of times that I find myself wanting to find a cave and live there forever with my little cave drawings and maybe Peeta.
Avoiding situations that might turn awkward sounds safe and easy, but this has only caused me to feel even more awkward when I find myself in that place, once again.
I've always been one of those people with their head in the clouds. Imagining things, analyzing, questioning...curious about the smallest details, only to miss the giant car I just walked into. Actually, I've never broken anything bigger than my pinky toe (knock on wood), but I am almost always sporting a dozen or so bruises.
Well, one day as I was walking and just about to fall into a random giant crevice in the earth, I began thinking that maybe seeing myself as awkward wasn't helping things. It seemed the more awkward I felt, the more awkward I was. As I prayed, I asked God how exactly I was supposed to get off that crazy cycle.
A bible verse came to mind:
"For as a man thinketh in his heart, so is he." -Proverbs 23:7
This verse is a little tricky, because you could easily take this and add a little worldly spin on it and say, "Mind over matter, Pip!", but I don't think that is the point. I can think all day long that I am a rockstar. That's never going to make me a rockstar to anyone but my mom (hi, mom!).
What God revealed to me about this verse is that instead of fretting over my awkwardness, I needed to read, hear, know, believe and accept who He says I am. Well, that's easy! Grumpy cat says...NO.
This is a journey. A mission. An assignment that will get easi-ER, but will never be finished. I have to literally arrest every thought that could potentially bind me up again in my awkwardly awkward state of awkwardness and dispose of it. Then, I must replace that lie with one of God's truths. Every. Single. Time.
I'm lucky though. And so are you, really. We have the Holy Spirit who Himself is a little quirky (what? it's true). At just the right moment, He brings stuff to my memory (like the bible verse above) that I haven't heard or been taught in years. As I turn the pages in my bible, it falls to just the right truth. As I scroll through facebook, He has prompted one of my similarly awkward friends to share just the right word for me.
So, I'm on this journey. It has been challenging to say the least. Especially when situations like the ones I listed above continue to occur in my life. Only instead of hiding in a cave, I am facing down the whispers of dark lies in my head that inevitably follow one of these moments and I am shining the light of God's truth right in their stupid, ugly faces. Because I'm sure that's what Jesus would do.
Why does it matter whether I'm awkward or not, or even whether I see myself this way or not? Because I have to do life on this planet with more than just Peeta. I need to be willing and able to communicate and connect effectively with others so that I can help lead and reconnect them with our Father.
I'm praying and thinking about continuing this blog later with some of the words that God has helped me replace the word "awkward" with. I always appreciate prayers on my journey and please let me know if there is any way I can pray for you.