Do you have any nerdy friends? Wait...if you're reading this, you're probably my friend, so don't answer that.
My nerdy friends and I like to have conversations like:
-If you had to choose a zombie apocalypse team with one Disney character, one character from Harry Potter, one character from Lord of the Rings and one television crime scene investigator, who would they be?
or (my personal favorite)
-If you could have one superpower...what would it be?
Often people are surprised by my answer, but I would definitely choose invisibility. I have many reasons--most of them aren't creepy at all. My biggest reason? I love to people-watch and analyze the way they do things and body language, etc. The only problem with that is if people notice you watching them it can get awkward...
I think there would be lots of benefits to being invisible. You could avoid "that one person." Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about. You could check your BO without grossing people out. You could mess with people's minds in sooooo many ways...
Seriously, though...when is invisibility not an awesome thing?!?!
When you don't want to be invisible.
Tonight, as I was shopping in the grocery store, I was almost run down by a shopping cart at least three times. One guy stepped back into me and I had to jump to get out of his way. Twice, I stood waiting for someone to notice I was trying to get through before they moved (slightly) out of the way.
Then, as I was turning onto the chocolate aisle (don't judge me), I couldn't turn in because a woman was blocking the aisle. She even looked at me and still didn't move over. Finally, I said (super sweetly, I swear), "Excuse me!" She moved her cart an infinitesimal degree and I squeezed through. I hate the feeling that people don't see me...or that I'm just in everyone's way wherever I go.
About halfway down the aisle, as I'm praying about this and having an attitude check, I say to God: "You have no idea how it feels...do you even know what it's like to feel invisible?"
Immediately, I stopped in the aisle and began to cry. I had an instant playback of how most of my days go. Oftentimes, when I am busy, I just plow through my day with barely a nod of recognition to the Creator of the universe, the King of kings and the Spirit that dwells within me. Too often, I treat the Holy Trinity like the shoppers in the grocery store treated me tonight (seriously...did they have a meeting?). Like I wasn't even there.
It's so easy, though, isn't it? I mean...He kind of IS invisible to us.
Oh, but when I am intentional and I pursue His truth and teaching...when I bow my heart down to His will and purpose for my life...when I choose to follow Him instead of inform Him of what I plan to do--even in the little things...that is when a seemingly invisible God finds visibility through me.
That is when I look like Christ. That is when He can be seen...through me. And that is when I will gladly choose to be invisible and lay down my 'right' to be seen--so that people will be able to look at me and see only Him.
One of my favorite moments in The Wizard of Oz is when Dorothy, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man meet the Cowardly Lion and he sings his song about courage. He is definitely my favorite character. See!
I've been through a lot in my life...too much to go into detail here. In the midst of these times, people have always told me that I am brave. A good friend of mine even gave me a Willow Tree angel named Courage when my brother died. Heck, I was even Merida from the Disney movie, Brave, for Halloween this year.
But I don't feel brave today.
Today, I feel very very tired. Almost too tired to keep believing that I'm ever going to feel well again. I feel like a failure. First, because I can't seem to do any of the things that I need to do or want to do. And second, because I can't seem to access the faith that has always come so easily to me.
As I looked to the Word for answers on how to be courageous, I saw a lot of verses telling me to be brave, but none that told me how! So I decided to look up the word courage at www.blueletterbible.org. After browsing through the different definitions, I found this one:
courage: (v.) (2) to adhere, to hold fast to anything
Right now, I don't have the strength or capacity to do much at all (much less roar) but I can adhere to the hope that the Holy Spirit will intercede for me. I can trust that He will strengthen me to believe, to have faith that this is not the end of the story. This is just a growth spurt, and sometimes that comes with growing pains.
As the quote up there says, I will try again tomorrow. I'm so thankful that I will not be alone!