Relationship

It's one o'clock in the a.m., and I can't sleep. So, naturally...I write.

Lately, I have been frustrated. Mainly about how I've heard a personal relationship with Christ should look: wake up at 4am, drink coffee, write in your prayer journal, post a picture of it on Instagram, and repeat...

Wait, if you do those things, I AM NOT JUDGING YOU. How could I? If that is what your relationship with our Lord looks like, then you are a rockstar. Because you are doing life with Jesus in a way that glorifies Him and engages your spirit.

But. That's. Not. What. My. Relationship. With. The. Lord. Looks. Like.

Actually, that's a lie. Sometimes, when I'm really lucky, that is exactly what my relationship with my God looks like. But not everyday, and certainly not methodically. That's just not where I'm at. And it has taken me so long to figure that out! I can't tell you how many times that I have tried it in a structured way, only to have it not work out and then I feel like a complete failure or somehow less than my brothers and sisters who do life with God this way.

A glimpse?

The sun brightens my bedroom, peeking through my curtains and I can hear the birds singing their morning song. I roll over in bed, plucking my phone from the charger. "8:00 a.m.," I think to myself, "What day is it?" As I stretch and make my way to brush the fur from my teeth, I greet the Lord, "Mrrmmph."
Making my way to the kitchen, I wonder what the day will hold. I'm silently asking the Lord to do what He wants and thanking Him for grace already when I inevitably will get in His way, today. I put the kettle on for my decaffeinated green tea and fill a glass of water to take my supplements. My eyes are less blurry now, and I can see the dishes in the sink that I left from last night.
I begin to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher as I think of my kids, still sleeping, and my husband who has already been working for several hours. Thanking God for these blessings, I hear the kettle begin to whistle. I quickly lift the spout, so as not to awaken the boys before I can steal a moment of quiet time with the Lord. The tea steeps as I finish the dishes. A bit of honey, a quick stir and I make my way to my favorite chair.
By now, it is usually 8:15 and I know there won't be a lot of time before the boys are begging for breakfast. "I should really wake up earlier," I think, knowing that when I have tried, it has always been the same: the boys wake earlier and I get just the same amount of time to myself. Shrugging, I grab my phone to read Streams in the Desert, musing to myself how sometimes it really does feel like little streams here and there.
Almost always, the words of this nearly hundred year-old devotional book speak straight to my spirit. I'm in awe of how sanctification and refinement are so transcendental and I tell God so. I spend a few moments in prayer thanking Him for words that are so personal.
Beside me on the table, there are five bibles and a notebook. Sometimes I write, sometimes I read through old things I have written. Each of the bibles are a different translation. I like variety. Choosing one at random, I flip through to the bible references for that day's devotion. Sometimes I read the Proverb and Psalm of the day. Sometimes I sit and think about what I have read.
A thump and a knock and I know that the boys are awake. I pull myself away from my thoughts and my prayers and my day is swept away. Pj's off and play clothes on (sometimes), breakfast, clean up after breakfast, put on a show for the kids as I check the social networks, put on a load of laundry while I pray for a friend who posted a need, referee when one of the boys won't share, praying for strength not to lose it, learning time with the boys and praying for wisdom to teach them, send them outside to play while I plan/prepare lunch, they come in and go out at least a dozen times needing water, toys, love...during this time, my voice has warmed some and I spend the moments where I am not answering questions and providing direction (correction?) singing my favorite praise songs to the Lord.
Lunch, a little more play time, get them to pick up toys and it's off to nap (quiet time) for the boys. Again, I sit and scroll through facebook, reading articles and blogs that make me think--sometimes sending me to the Word and prayer all over again. Sometimes I just read things that make me laugh.
Sometimes Husband arrives home soon after I have put the boys down, so I visit with him and listen to his day instead of having quiet time, myself. Often, he will sense my need for solitude and go do his thing for awhile. Before I know it, the time is up and it's time to think about cooking dinner, finishing the laundry, actually feeding everyone, cleaning them, cleaning the kitchen, bathtime, cuddle time, pj time, brush teeth, story, prayers and bed. Singing all the while...sometimes the boys dance with me in the kitchen.
At this point, Husband and I pretend to be adults, watching a show on tv or comparing funny stories while we scroll through facebook. He is worn from manual labor, I am worn from the neverending activity of raising (read: keeping alive) two very energetic and strong-willed boys. We do our best to love on one another a bit, then he is off to bed at 10.
Usually, I am awake another hour or two (well I DID sleep til 8). During this time, I read...fiction, non-fiction...engaging my imagination as I rest my aching body. As I fall asleep, there is a prayer on my lips, of thanks, of ideas, of bequest.
I dream in parables a lot. Startlingly vivid and imaginative words from the Lord. I wake at 2 or 3 in the morning to record things down. Sometimes it takes me quite awhile to get back to sleep. So I pray...

I have tried to sleep earlier and rise earlier, and both times I really gave it a good few weeks' try...I ended up quite ill. Deep inside, I knew that I needed to do what was best for my health in every aspect.


And wouldn't you know...in all of the busy-ness of my day, I don't feel as though I have neglected my relationship with the Lord, at all. I talk to Him constantly. Often out loud and I know sometimes I sound a little crazy. He speaks to me through the Word, through my discipline/teaching/correcting the boys, through songs and through His beautiful creation.

This season of life has taught me a lot about what it really means to be still and know that He is God. For me, it's not trying to plug myself into some formula of inputting certain things to receive certain things. For me, it's about knowing that those certain things are already mine because of Jesus. And I'm doing my best to be willing and available to both receive and extend those things in my daily life.

You know what? One day I actually do want to be an early-riser. I want to wake with the sun and enjoy a sunset. I want to spend hours at a time, exploring the depths of the Word uninterrupted like I used to. And one day I think I will get to do those things. I'll be healthy! I'll have the presence of mind to write down each beautiful nugget of truth or wisdom that the Lord brings me (in the same notebook, for the love of God!).

For now...I have random notes written in about 20 notebooks and at least 10 bibles. I have typed notes on a computer, a laptop and even quick notes on my phone. There are even a few recorded verbal notes that I have saved. I have this blog that keeps me (somewhat) sane.

Why am I writing all of this? Mainly so that one day when I'm feeling less-than or inadequate in my relationship with the Lord because of something some person or some tweet told me, I will come back here and read this and remember to go to the Source. If He desires more from me (doesn't He always?!?!), I want to know it and He knows that...I'll sense it, and yes...God's people will confirm it, but ultimately I know my Shepherd's voice well enough to follow where HE leads me on this journey.

And for now...that is enough.

Blame

I know. This is a very loaded word.

My kids do this one a lot. It usually goes something like this:

Me: Boys, who made that stream of water in the hallway?
Aidan: That's not water...Duck did it.
Declan: No, Aidan did!

Even as adults, too often we want to take the credit, but never the blame. It takes a lot of humility to be able to accept blame when responsible for something, and even more so when not responsible.

My brother died about 5 years ago. Many of you know the story, but what you may not know is that one of the first things that I did was yell at God. "Why him?" I screamed, "He suffered so much, so young...he fought for our country...he won souls for You...he was just starting to enjoy life. Couldn't You have done something?"

Of course, blame is one of the natural stages of grief. We need someone or something to hold responsible for our hurt; even if deep down we understand that sometimes life just sucks...we still need a scapegoat.

But even though I knew it was normal, I still felt a little guilty that I pointed the finger at the very One who had held me together through it all.

Last week, I had lunch with a mentor. As we sat and talked, conversation turned to a situation where someone going through a hard time had lashed out at those around them. "It's like...instead of blaming God like the rest of us do when something bad happens, this person is blaming those around them," she said.

Whoa! I had a mind-blowing epiphany through that one simple statement.

It seems we all blame God at some point. Why is that? Is it lack of faith? Or lack of knowledge?

Or...what if it is just the simple fact that we need to put blame on Him in order to maintain fellowship? Think about it...if blame is such a natural response to grief and loss in our lives, wouldn't it stand to reason that some aspect of this exchange is necessary for us to get through the trial?

For example:
Us: Why, God? I mean...what were You thinking? I don't even know if I can trust you anymore...

All the while, God knows that these thoughts and feelings are inside of us. Imagine if we had those thoughts and instead of going to Him honestly, we took them and blamed the next person to cross our path. Did anything get accomplished? Did our relationship with the Lord grow? It seems to me that we have only made a bad situation worse by dragging someone else into our funk.

We must have that moment of honesty before God to maintain our fellowship with Him, don't you think? Otherwise, we put the blame on someone else...maybe even multiple someones, denying the real origin of our anger, frustration and ultimately--our hurt. And all this leads to is a whole lot more hurt--and usually not just our own--when we don't deal with our true feelings of who we think is to blame.

Because deep inside, we feel like it was God who let us down.

But, what if we just let it all out to God? Would He really be shocked? Or displeased? If we are honest, and truly want to know the purpose and will of our Father, then our honesty will only help our relationship with Him. As we turn toward Him and release those thoughts, we will find ourselves face to face with the One who will comfort, sustain and mature us through that difficult time. Our anger will begin to subside and we will see that grace has a face...and that the hand of God is extended toward us to show us that grace and not to show us pain.

The God who gave us His Son, gave us everything just to mend our broken bond with Him...what He wants most when we are hurting is to draw us nearer, to have the chance to take our pain on Himself (again) and make us a little more dependent on Him, a little more like Jesus. And that may just require us to throw out all the blame that is inside of us onto Him. I'm confident that He can handle it.

Two kinds of grace???

It has been a long time coming. Grace has been on my mind and I have asked people everywhere: What is grace to you? How do you define it? How has it changed your life?

Through my research, I stumbled upon the catholic teaching of grace. According to their teaching, there is both common grace ("For he gives his sunlight to both the evil and the good, and he sends rain on the just and the unjust alike."-Matt 5:45) and actual, or saving, grace ("For by grace you have been saved through faith; and that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God."- Eph 2:8), which is unique to those who (through the conviction of the Holy Spirit) come to a place that they receive it personally.

Their claims lead into some teachings that I personally do not agree with, but I can agree with the idea that we are each always being extended some measure of grace, even if we do not choose to abide in it.

But let me back up a little bit:

What is grace, exactly?

I received many excellent definitions recently when I asked this question on facebook. Many said "Grace is God's unmerited favor toward us." And that is what I have always been taught, as well. A few answers were very beautiful and personal examples of God's grace shown to that individual.

But one answer stuck out.

Grace is getting what we don't deserve. 

G.od's, R.iches, A.t, C.hrist's, E.xpense.

-Bill Sparks
 

Now, Bill is a friend of the family, but he is also a pastor, so I'm sure that he actually stole this from someone else! ;) Seriously, though...I appreciate his and all of the answers that were provided. Back to Bill's take on grace, I normally find acronyms like this to be terribly cliche and bordering on Velveeta, but in this case...I believe it accurately and appropriately sums up how most define grace.

Our pastor spoke on Sunday about leaders who warn the church against "abusing" grace, as if it were something we could run out of--its source depleted as we draw from our "grace account" until nothing remains. He challenged our church to stop looking at grace as if it were something that we withdraw from only when we are bankrupt, but instead see it as something that God adds to our lives no matter where we stand or what we have done or how much we have already been given. No matter how many times we have received grace, we will continue to receive it.

If we are breathing, we're being shown grace.

So how can grace be abused? If we are living our lives by grace, we are living in God's Riches At Christ's Expense. His riches fulfill our every need. His riches are good, perfect, healthy, and bring glory and honor to His name! We can't abuse that! If we are seeking to fulfill our needs outside of that, then we are not living by grace. If we say, "God will forgive me if I...", that is not living by grace!

That is religion.

Think about it. If I walk in grace, my focus is on Christ's expense and example. I am motivated by the price that He. Already. Paid. I can do nothing to acquire that grace, because it is mine if I am His. So the blessings flow and my motivation is to live out of a heart of gratitude for what He has done for me--apart from what I have done to myself. It is truly unconditional.

But if I choose to sin, believing that God will forgive me afterward and all will be well, I do not believe that God's riches are mine already. I believe that what I want or need in that moment must come from what I think is best and that it will fulfill me. And ultimately, I believe that He will not.

Um...doubt, unbelief, mistrust, anxiety, self-sufficiency, idolatry, entitlement. These are not the basis for a healthy relationship.

And yet...grace keeps on giving.

Imagine the possibilities if we were to spend our energy enjoying that grace and extending that grace to others instead of seeking out riches through inadequate means.

We were made for relationship with God. Again and again, He extends His hand to us. Within that hand He holds riches and wonders beyond anything we could imagine. But like a prince who abdicates his throne to buy a ship and become a pirate, we look at God's hand, then look back down and continue digging around in the dirt, looking for something--anything-- to satisfy our longings.

And yet...He continues to extend that hand until we choose to take it.

Going back to the beginning of the blog. Do you really want to settle for a grace that is "common" to all? Or do you want grace that is personal, relational...meeting your needs above and beyond what you could have hoped for?

"For from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace." --John 1:16