Gratitude

It's a new year!!! Ok, ok...I know it has been for a couple of days now. You'll forgive me for that, though, since I'm sick, right? :)

Oh, yes. I have a cold. Not a big deal for most folks, but when you have been bordering on the edge of auto-immune disease for a few years, it is definitely a little bit bigger of a deal. Last time I had a cold, it quickly turned into a monstrous ordeal and by the end of it I was fighting not one, but two acute infections. One chance to beat it with antibiotics (which I HATE, but I had no choice) or they were threatening me with hospital time. Luckily, it worked and I kicked that cold. After 6 weeks...

Actually, luck had nothing to do with it. And that's kind of why I am sitting here babbling on and on.

And on.

So, this time that I have been under the weather, I cannot seem to shake the gratitude. That sounds funny, but here's a glimpse inside my brain the last day or so: (scared?)

Me: Ugh. I feel like mangled poo that's been refried in brussel sprout juice.
God: ...
Me: Sorry, God, that was a bit much, huh? I just wish I could feel better. I have things to do! Isn't that just such a glorious thing, God? I have things to do. I can do things. Like, the other day...I was sitting with Aidan and we were talking about his piano playing and he asked me to teach him more songs! I love that he wants me to help and that I can help. Thank you for blessing me with the ability to be here and do things and love people!
God: Calm down, your body needs the energy for healing. And you're welcome. :)
Me: ...

Ok, that was silly. But don't worry...God is used to me by now. Or so I tell myself, anyway.

Seriously, though. It seems like every time that I have tried to whine or complain about being sick, the Holy Spirit has brought me around to seeing something to be thankful for in the middle of it. Do you know what I'm thankful for most of all?

That my hope is in the Lord.

As I was eating my special gluten free, sugar free, dairy free dinner tonight, I thought about everything I have learned in the last three years regarding nutrition. If you've been around me for four seconds during a meal, there's a good chance that you know a morsel of this information.

Tonight, though, as I thought about everything...I laughed. Out loud! Because so much of what I know contradicts itself at some point. I've even asked doctors, "But what if..." and gotten the "Well..." answers. The truth that I came to rest in tonight is that no matter What I Do...God is my healer. He just is. And He will. Heal me, that is.

I'll still do my best to take care of this temple, of course. But only because I have faith that God is working it all together for my good. Standing in my kitchen tonight, I had an amazing peace come over me. And I took another bite of my gluten free, sugar free, dairy free dinner.

Once again, I am so thankful that all my delight is in Him...all of my hope...all of my strength. God gave me that word for this new year. No matter what things await me this year, my hope is in Him. And I feel like having this cold allowed me to know and receive this truth in a much deeper way.

Oh, and...

Happy New Year! :)

Courage

One of my favorite moments in The Wizard of Oz is when Dorothy, the Scarecrow and the Tin Man meet the Cowardly Lion and he sings his song about courage. He is definitely my favorite character. See!

I've been through a lot in my life...too much to go into detail here. In the midst of these times, people have always told me that I am brave. A good friend of mine even gave me a Willow Tree angel named Courage when my brother died. Heck, I was even Merida from the Disney movie, Brave, for Halloween this year.

But I don't feel brave today. 

Today, I feel very very tired. Almost too tired to keep believing that I'm ever going to feel well again. I feel like a failure. First, because I can't seem to do any of the things that I need to do or want to do. And second, because I can't seem to access the faith that has always come so easily to me.

As I looked to the Word for answers on how to be courageous, I saw a lot of verses telling me to be brave, but none that told me how! So I decided to look up the word courage at www.blueletterbible.org. After browsing through the different definitions, I found this one:

courage: (v.) (2) to adhere, to hold fast to anything

Right now, I don't have the strength or capacity to do much at all (much less roar) but I can adhere to the hope that the Holy Spirit will intercede for me. I can trust that He will strengthen me to believe, to have faith that this is not the end of the story. This is just a growth spurt, and sometimes that comes with growing pains.

As the quote up there says, I will try again tomorrow. I'm so thankful that I will not be alone!

"And the Comforter, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my name, He will teach you all things, and remind you of all things that I said to you." -John 14:26

Crossroads, Waiting and Spontaneously Combusting

At a crossroads? This is yet another word that I am hearing in conversations all around me...

I remember during my teen years, my youth pastor would say something like, "Life is a series of choices. From the kind of cereal you're going to eat, to the friends you hang out with, to whether or not you're going to live your life in this moment for God." And he would be right. We have many decisions before us in this life as to how we will choose to respond to the things that come at us.

But here I am, a "grown" woman, and I have come to understand that sometimes...there just isn't a choice for me to make. Sometimes, I don't get to choose what happens in this moment. Sometimes, I am simply at the mercy of my Lord and must trust that He has this moment and me in the palm of His hand.

Maybe you've heard of this. It's referred to as waiting. And I freaking hate it.

I'm sure most that read this are perfectly adept at this precious and saintly virture and this doesn't even apply to you. To be honest, I'm actually a rock star at waiting when it comes to my meal out somewhere or a phone call or in line at the grocery store (I lead a very glamorous life).

My difficulty? Waiting on God for instruction on my next move in an area of my life. I suck at this.

I feel like I am at a crossroads. But instead of just looking down each road and determining where to turn and keep on trucking, I am at a standstill. I am waiting on further directions. While everyone around me knows exactly which turn to make, I sit here wondering how long a human can actually wait on an answer without spontaneously combusting or foaming at the mouth.

This morning I opened up my bible to Psalms. Then Proverbs. Then I considered chucking my bible across the room, but I thought that THIS would probably be the straw that broke the camel's back and sent me to hell. So I didn't. I just slammed it onto the table really hard.

All kidding aside, I was angry. Why don't I have answers? What am I doing here, God? I don't feel well, I don't sleep well, I don't remember things that I want to say or do. I'm stuck here just WAITING.

As I prayed these things to God, the word crossroads came to mind again. So I sat down to write. And I really wish this post had a happy ending, but there is no resolution...yet.

By faith I choose to believe that my answers are coming. I choose to trust that God is in control and has a plan. I choose to rest in my mind and heart, knowing that my worrying and wondering will bring me nothing but more frustration. And I choose to hope that my agonizing wait will speak to someone and maybe tomorrow when God has shown up and taken care of everything like He always does, and I look like a jerk for complaining today, someone will see the glory of God in all of this and trust Him more.

The Promised Land

“Right away, the day after the Passover, they started eating the produce of that country, un-raised bread and roasted grain. And then no more manna; the manna stopped. As soon as they started eating food grown in the land, there was no more manna for the People of Israel. That year they ate from the crops of Canaan.” –Joshua 5:11-12 (The Message)

I woke up  this morning with a strong urge to look up Joshua 5. As I read it, these two verses stuck out to me. But I could not for the life of me figure out why. I prayed on it and meditated on it, but nothing came to mind.

I decided to leave it alone for a while, knowing the answer would come to me, somehow. And it did.

The Passover represented the time in Egypt when the Lord passed over the land, taking the life of every firstborn. When the children of Israel placed the blood of the lamb across their doorposts, the Lord passed over that home, allowing the firstborns to live. Then the children of Israel were freed.

This is a clear symbol of the sacrifice of Jesus and how judgment passes over us when we choose to be covered by Jesus’ blood. We are freed from our former lives of captivity to the power of sin and death.

What I find interesting about these two verses in Joshua is that they had just crossed the Jordan, on their way to take possession of the Promised Land. God had been fortifying them with manna from heaven—a temporary provision until they had access to the land that had been promised to them.

Even though they had not fought yet, the day after Passover, they began to eat of the land of promise.

To me this represents life after the sacrifice of Jesus. Before, God’s people were being sustained by a heavenly (but limited) source of life that was provided for each day (representing the law). After Jesus, however, a system was put in place for sustenance to come from within, through the indwelling of the Holy Spirit.

This is what the Promised Land offers: the freedom to live in grace and favor with God and one another.

However, just as the children of Israel did with Canaan, it seems to me that we take possession of our Promised Land before we ever have to fight for it. By faith, we accept that Jesus’ sacrifice is enough. God's promise is enough…that we will be made alive and whole in freedom. And He has clearly provided completely and perfectly through His Son, Jesus, for that to be so.

So why, then, must we do battle?

I believe this is the action that accompanies our faith. Our action says, “I believe what God has promised is true…to the point that I will walk in it and work for it, knowing that the victory was won for me before I ever see it. Trusting that if I go about fighting the way that God instructs me to (and not the way that I think makes sense), that I will be victorious in this life.

I’m sure that it didn’t make sense to the Israelites that they should march around Jericho for days and then shout the last time. But they obeyed without understanding, and they attained victory that day.

Through it all, God didn’t leave them hungry or thirsty like they were for the 40 years that they depended on manna for their food. He sustained them by the bounty and nourishment of the new land that had been promised, even while they were still taking possession. Just as we no longer depend on the unfulfilling law to sustain us, but are nourished and fulfilled in Christ by God’s favor and grace through the ministry of the Holy Spirit as we take possession of God’s promised kingdom on earth.